Finding Empowerment Through Progress

Reclaiming Agency While Navigating Chronic Illness and Fear

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or therapist. This blog is based on personal experience and is for informational purposes only. Please consult a qualified medical and/or mental health professional before starting anything new. Full Disclaimer can be found at the bottom of this page. This post contains Amazon affiliate links.

It was raining. Not a gentle rain that mists the air and makes everything magical. It was pouring, wet, thick droplets plunking down and splashing, soaking the saddle on the short walk from the barn to the arena.

I wasn’t feeling great either.

We’d just driven 8.5 hours in a car whose loud, leaky exhaust tried to smoke us out every time we slowed down to pass through a town. There was no good place to fix the car where we lived, so we decided to drive it to a trusted place that would fix it up right. With throats hurting and feeling a bit woozy, we pulled into the driveway of my in-laws to stay for the weekend while the car got fixed.

And it just so happened that they lived close to a mounted archery instructor. So I’d arranged for 4 days of intensive introductory training.

After nearly 10 years of severe illness, I’d reentered the horse world only a little over a year earlier when my chronic illness was beginning to stabilize.

And that morning my wife had woken up sick.

So there I was, standing in the pouring rain, fighting off a cold, chronically ill, and still feeling the effects of too much carbon monoxide. But I was standing—win. I was holding the reins of a mounted archery lesson horse—win. And I wasn’t going to put this off. I wasn’t going to put off my life any longer.

Nothing else mattered, except that I was there, I didn’t notice my wet butt when I sat in the saddle, nor my ever-present balance issues. I was living the thing I’d wanted to try for so many years.

Now, nothing about this weekend was perfect: the horse and I took some time to jive, it poured the entire time, and I didn’t even hit the targets until at least the 3^rd day. But also... I felt like a goddess.

Turns out empowerment doesn’t come from being amazing at something. It comes from being willing to suck at something you really want to try.

No one starts out good at anything.

I am an advanced rider, but riding is only half of this sport. And man, I sucked at adding in the rest. Sure, I got frustrated at not hitting the target and exhausted from the intense schedule. But each time those feelings threatened to overwhelm me, I'd feel the bow in my hand or drop the reins of my horse, and it would hit me again—what I was actually doing. What I was attempting. Only a few years prior, I would have thought this was impossible, yet here I was. Retaking control of my life.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Empowerment with Chronic Illness

At no point did I “overcome” my illness to do this. I have a chronic disease. It doesn’t go away. Some days are good, other days are bad. I’ve learned the triggers that make my illness worse and avoid them when I can (though others like ‘the weather changing’ are not things I can do anything about).

My health did improve from its worst moments, through treating a gut infection, sticking to a routine and eating healthy, but chronic illness doesn’t go away. It’s there forever. This wasn’t about being inspiring to myself or others. In fact, I did this before I started my blog. This was about allowing myself to feel agency again. About reclaiming the good days, and figuring out how I can pursue something within my limitations.

Empowerment isn’t about winning against your chronic illness—it’s about taking initiative on your good days. It’s about taking control of your thought patterns and not brushing those sparks of excitement in your life under the rug.

There are days where I can’t even get up to go see my horse, there are other days I spend hours with her. There are days I just brush her, and others we exercise together. Empowerment comes from navigating within boundaries, not trying to push outside of them.

Agency is in the everyday choices we make. Sure, I stepped into the world of mounted archery with dramatic flair and the lofty idea that I would feel fantastic the whole time. Instead, I found that proving to myself that I could just start was what I really needed.

Now after the excitement of a 4-day intensive is over, agency comes from picking up my bow and an arrow in the living room and nocking it 10 or 20 times without looking. Or going out to lunge my horse on days I can’t ride. Small choices. Adapting instead of quitting. Choosing to do the things that are within my limits on that day. But still doing them.

Stop viewing your body as your enemy and start looking at it like your dance partner. It’s going to start off awkward—you’re not going to have the same rhythm at first. Toes are going to get stepped on. Miscommunications and accidental elbows are going to happen, but eventually, you’re going to find a rhythm and understanding together. Learning to work with unpredictability is hard, but not impossible.

When Your Body Betrays You, Fear is the Natural Response

I’m a big fat chicken now (LOL, how's that for change in tone?), but I used to be pretty fearless. I used to get on horses for other people who were too afraid to. I would jump into things with both feet and give it my all no matter the consequences.

Ha. Well, then I turned 30, had my first few symptoms and all of that changed. I’m scared of everything. Fear hangs around me like my shadow. Always there at the corner of my consciousness. By stretching myself a bit, it’s receded slightly, but I haven’t yet been able to shake it. And it can take over as unpredictably as my symptoms.

So how did I manage to get back into horses with it? Horses, of all things? The 1000-lb animals that are not just unpredictable, but can sense the fear in you and react to it? That could injure me with one misstep? Why an animal that even grooming some days uses up all my energy?

Those are all reasonable questions. So let’s talk about the stuff that keeps us awake at night.

Fear of Injury – “What if I hurt myself again?”

Yep, your body is compromised. It already hurts, or feels permanently broken in some way. To risk hurting it more is... terrifying. And you can feel it right down to your core. The fear bubbles up from a depth so deep inside you that there’s really nothing you can do to stop it.

I agree. I feel it every time I swing a leg over a horse. The key is that once it bubbles up, you can do something about it. In my case, I have to let it surface. Then I can do some things to settle it.

Breathing exercises and EFT tapping have helped me take the edge off in the moment and push through overwhelming moments where I was about to give up or not try at all.

But the thing that has been the most helpful is voluntarily facing the fear in frequent micro-steps. One tiny step at a time. The conventional wisdom is to take logical, reasonable steps: "If my fear shows up when I get on a horse, I’ll just start with a walk." Or: "If my fear shows up when I step into a squash ring, I’ll just go in and hit a few balls."

That’s not quite what I mean. That’s a good first step if you’re nervous, not if your facing a deep survival fear because your very existence has been at stake before. That’s very different. A micro-step is half that or even a quarter of that.

Sit and watch a squash game, or a horseback riding lesson. Brush your horse. Get comfortable just swinging the squash racket. Do each micro-step and check them off your list when you can do them with no fear—including on the bad days. If you can stand up on a bad day and comfortably lead your horse and spray them with bug spray without fear, that’s when you know you can move on.

You also need to come up with an escape plan for every micro-step. I know how to do an emergency dismount off my horse. I now practice it every time I feel that fear coming. I just bend my horse and get off. Then I get back on again after proving that I know how.

Have an escape route at every next step and practice it. Know how you will get out of a situation and prove it to yourself. Over and over. Confidence comes from not just doing the skill well, but also from knowing how to protect yourself while doing the skill.

Wear the dorky and optional safety gear. And any aids that would help you. Do it. Because this isn’t about looking cool right now, you’re not going to look cool anyway when you’re rusty at something or starting something new. You can save that for your glow up reel later. But first, you need to show your fear that it’s okay to be afraid, but that you have a plan and the gear to keep you safe.

If you have specific issues like balance issues (that’s me!) work on strengthening your core and doing balance exercises in short intervals more frequently. If you’re not sure what balance exercises you should do, talk to a doctor or (vestibular rehabilitation) physiotherapist to gain some insight on what you can do to improve your balance. The fear of falling is very real, and gaining some confidence by discovering what you can do to help with that is absolutely a step forward on your journey.

Finally, focus on the excitement. Put blinders on to everything else and only allow the excitement to come through. Allow the good feelings of reclaiming that good day to overshadow the fear. Consciously take hold of your thoughts and make yourself look at the good feelings. Then stop while you're still feeling good, but before you get tired.

This book was recommended to me by another equestrian coach. It’s insightful, easy to read, and goes into these concepts from a therapist and equestrian perspective. It’s definitely worth the read if you’d like deeper insight into your fear.

Fear of Fatigue – “What if I Don’t Have Enough Energy?”

Ah, the crushing disappointment of planning something, only to have your body say “nope.”

Let’s take a step back for a moment and look at what we’ve learned about our bodies. If you’re here, you’re likely not new to your chronic illness. You’ve started to learn to work with it, get around it, and maybe plan ahead to compensate for it. You’ve got this. You know your body.

Remember: short, intentional efforts still count. That is progress.

This isn’t about becoming the greatest at whatever you’re trying to do. This is about allowing yourself to enjoy something you’ve always wanted to do, or used to do. This is about opening yourself up to possibility that you can do something you thought was impossible. Start enjoying the moments you participate, no matter how small.

If you’re unsure about your body’s energy, commit to 10 or even just 5 minutes, then see how you feel when the timer goes off. Are you in the zone? Does your body feel good? Are you already tiring? If so, stop. You did 5 whole minutes! That’s a great place to start or even stay at for a while.

Also, plan out your days. Take a ‘prep’ day, then a ‘do’ day, then go back to a ‘prep’ day or two before putting in another ‘do’ day. By planning it out like this, you can really become attuned to your body’s rhythm and get to know how much ‘prep’ (rest?) your body needs before you can slot into another ‘do’ day.

If you need to up your stamina or cardiovascular health before actually attempting your dream activity, then start mixing in some other activities. Go for a walk, go to the pool. Things that are low-impact and that compassionately account for your current state. I’m not talking about pushing yourself, I’m talking about seeing where your real limits lie in comparison to where you ‘think’ they lie.

Fear of fatigue is real, but you’d be surprised with how little inspiration it takes to get you energized. When you allow yourself to become engaged with something, you become engaged with life. This gives a mental boost which creates energy. You feel like moving again. You feel like doing something again.

Overwhelmed by the Learning Curve – “What if I look Ridiculous?”

Mounted archery and just about anything you are trying to achieve with a chronic illness will sometimes look impossible and ridiculous to attempt. You once were capable of anything. You used to be capable. You used to be strong. You used to not get dizzy when you turn around too fast. It’s rough. There’s very little out there that really tests you on a day-to-day level like chronic illness does.

I still have days where I ask myself why I started this journey. Why I would attempt such a crazy thing. Then I see a video of someone charging down an archery track, or I go out and visit my horse and let my heart speak over the doubts in my mind. And I know I need something that fires me up in a good way on the good days. Making the good days exciting and fun makes the bad days tolerable. We can only survive for so long. At some point we need to thrive.

So what about the overwhelm of starting some grand activity like running a half marathon, or mounted archery? What about when you look at that huge staircase in front of you and you have to sit down from the sheer exhausting magnitude of it?

Each stair isn’t a stair. It’s a platform. Once you step up onto it, there’s a chair there, a TV, a video game, rest. Once you move up each level, you can stay there as long as you need to. Practicing that same skill until it’s second nature before moving on.

Leave the hustle culture and competition to the side. You are not trying to compete with anyone, especially yourself. You are not in a race. You are on a road trip. Big difference. One is about winning. The other is about experiencing life. Feel it, live it, reach for it, let it fuel you and give you the boost that you really need right now.

And if you need to adapt something to make this dream possible for you? Adaptation is innovation, not limitation. By adapting you are unburdening yourself of some of your limitations.

Practical Steps to Reclaim Agency (Even When Having a Flare Up)

So you have a few starting points to explore, but let’s get into a few more. Because more idea-arrows in the quiver, the better, right?

The 3-Option Rule

So you’re all excited about scheduling out what you want to do, on which day. You check the weather, you’ve been resting, you’re planning on a good day. And then you wake up tired and struggle to get out of bed. Disappointed again. This is where the 3-Option Rule comes into play.

Give yourself a Plan A (for an ideal day), Plan B (medium energy day), and Plan C (mild-moderate flare day). Of course, if it's a bad flare day, there's no plan, only survival.

Let’s talk examples:

• Plan A: You go for your first 10 minute run in years.

• Plan B: You go for a 15 minute walk.

• Plan C: You take a short walk around the block and smile at the sun.

What are my Plans A, B, and C for my mounted archery?

• Plan A: Full training session: practice shooting arrows off of my horse's back.

• Plan B: Groundwork for the horse or ground archery for me (this one happens a lot to me).

• Plan C: Visit my horse (if I can stand).

Having 3 options for the day gives you built-in flexibility when the day arrives.

We don’t exist in the realm of all-or-nothing. We have to pick and choose the battles we take on. This helps us take control where we can. We are not losing by not having the day we expected, we are just shifting into low gear and working with our dance partner (body) in a fair way. Let’s not let the hustle convince us that it has to be all-or-nothing, to grind ourselves down when we don't have the perfect day.

This is real life. And we’re going to make it a good one. Together.

The Body Check-In Protocol

Every morning, or before your activity, take a moment to connect and listen to your body. Less than 5-minutes where you check your energy, pain, mood, dizziness/balance. Check the weather and anything that might affect you today.

Then match your activity to your current state.

Example: “Today my body is offering me a 4 out of 10. What can I do in my level 4 state?”

Look at it like you're navigating a fork in a trail: “Well, my legs are tired and this way leads gently down to a park and that one leads up to a lake. Do I feel like hiking up to a lake or would I be satisfied with meandering around some grass and trees?”

Offering your mind a problem to solve rather than wallowing in disappointment can help redirect negative thoughts, and still create a moment of triumph when you manage to successfully practice a small skill related to your endeavour.

Redefine Success

We are not here to be the best, we are here to rejuvenate and inspire ourselves. Progress wins are just as important to celebrate as performance wins.

You managed to focus for the whole lesson, or you adapted mid-session when balance became unreliable. These things are important to note. Give yourself permission to be proud of yourself when you still managed to do something even if you had to adapt, pivot, or do something a little less physically taxing. You still did it. And I’m proud of you.

I want you to seriously consider taking progress photos of yourself. Of where you started. Then in a month, in 6 months, a year, you’ll see just how far you’ve come and you will be amazed.

Rebuilding Trust Through Small Moments

Empowerment comes from courage, courage comes from trusting ourselves. But how can we trust our bodies after all they’ve done to us? How can we build this trust up to enable us to be courageous enough to feel empowered and in control?

Through building up small moments of skill. That split second when your fingers and brain work together to release an arrow cleanly. When you feel the ball connect with your racket just right, and the ball goes exactly where you want it to. When you can feel your body reconnect to the activity in a way you haven’t felt in years. When you try something new and even though you weren’t perfect, your body made it through just fine.

Every time you take notice of your body not betraying you, you build trust. And that builds courage to try the next step. Take notice, write those moments down. They’re worth keeping a record of.

Through focus on something outside of yourself. The more you think about what’s wrong with you, the more it feels like there’s stuff wrong with you. Encouraging your brain to think about something outside your body will push your struggles to the background, even for just a moment. Soon, you’ll notice that you look forward to not thinking about your health all the time. It quiets the noise that chronic illness brings into your life. It’s a break from the constant stress.

Through rewriting your story. Take the pen and start writing. Choose to write about how you went from thinking your body betrayed you, to how you’re learning to dance with it. To move it again. To find your old muscles, to rekindle your joy again. Write about how adaptation helps you achieve this and doesn’t limit you. Write about how you’re not fighting with your body anymore and what a relief it is.

Reclaiming Identity Through Adventure

Chronic illness has a way of shrinking your sense of self. Doing something bold—slowly and imperfectly—stretches it back out to encompass all of you.

Adventure is the perfect way to describe this. And I’m not talking about how “your chronic illness is an adventure.” That’s stupid. I hate when people say that. No, this adventure is one where you choose your path forward. How trying something that seems just a little impossible reminds you that you can still surprise yourself. How this sense of adventure can remind you that you’re more than just a patient trapped in a medical system that doesn’t always support you. That you can take power back outside of that part of your life.

The aim here is to rediscover parts of yourself that chronic illness had hidden.

Remember, whatever it is you’re trying to achieve, there are healthy people out there that want to do it and are making excuses to convince themselves not to. You are done making excuses. And even if you’re going at a slower pace, you’re still doing the thing that you want to try. Still making progress where others are not.

And you’re now writing your own adventure tale.

Conclusion: The Power of Progress

Empowerment isn’t a destination that you arrive at once you’re ‘better’ or have ‘mastered’ something. It’s built in the moments you decide to get up, to focus outside yourself, to show up even when the day isn’t perfect for it, in the thousand small choices you make to keep learning and growing.

You may never become the greatest, but you’ve found pieces of yourself again that have brought you courage and delight. It’s worth collecting those pieces and keeping them safe. It's worth it to look at them and admire them and connect with them again and again throughout your life. It’s worth it to grow beyond the ‘patient’ identity. You’re not trying to become an Olympic athlete, you’re becoming someone that hasn’t quit.

And once you feel empowered by trying something, that sense of self worth, that power you’ve sparked inside you will transfer to other parts of your life.

So what’ll it be for you?

Ride along with my reality of learning mounted archery with a broken balance system—the good days, the frustrating setbacks, the small victories, and the moments when I question my sanity. Join my newsletter! It's the behind-the-scenes glimpse at what this journey really looks like when the inspiration wears off and you're left figuring out how to make it work in real life.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

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